VANCOUVER, British Columbia has become the first Canadian city to impose a strict ban on all U.S. nationals travelling to the region while in the possession of nuclear weapons. Hundreds of “Nuclear Weapons Free Zone” signs have now been stationed along border crossings to advise tourists of the change.
“Please be advised that the City of Vancouver will no longer be granting entry to visitors from the United States who wish to travel with WMDs or thermonuclear missiles of any kind,” a spokesman for Canada Border Services Agency announced, confirming the city will now impose a “strict zero-tolerance policy on nuclear warheads for the foreseeable future”.
Despite no previous record of any American ever attempting to bring nuclear material to Canada, the City of Vancouver insists the ban is absolutely necessary.
“We ask all American citizens wishing to bring nuclear weapons to Vancouver to please check them in at a nearby municipality such as Richmond or Burnaby, but ideally Surrey,” an official COV statement read.
The announcement also included a brief apology, as is Canadian law:
“We don’t want to appear unwelcoming to our neighbours but there are over 10,000 nukes down there and we just can’t take too many chances. We’re sorry, that’s just the kind of city we are and we make very few apologies for that.”
Similarly the U.S. State Department issued a warning to all Americans hoping to bring their nuclear missiles north of the border:
“All US citizens wishing to travel to Vancouver risk an on-the-spot-fine of $250 CAD (which we estimate is worth US$7.50) if found in possession of any bombs above nuclear grade level.”
While the sign makes no mention of Americans specifically, “it’s heavily implied,” according to COV officials. “Well who else could we talking about? Jamaica?”
Of course Vancouver hasn’t always been a nuclear free zone. In fact nuclear weapons have long been a contentious issue in Vancity, akin to the death penalty or abortion. Throughout the late 90’s the pro/anti nuclear weapon debate raged across the Lower Mainland. After a slim majority voted against the use of nuclear firearms inside city limits, the open carry of nukes was consequently outlawed in 2004. The ban was an undoubted success with city officials reporting no increase in the number of WMDs in Vancouver since its inception.
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