Ched Evans refusing to give up on Sheffield Utd move: “Since when does no mean no?”

Ched Evans
Ched Evans

Disgraced former footballer, Ched Evans, used a shockingly ill-advised turn of phrase, when announcing that he still harbours hopes of a return to Sheffield United: “I’d love to go back. Since when does no mean no? Sheffield United is where I made my name.”

A Sheffield United spokesman refuted Evans’ claim: “A Welsh Premier Inn is where he made his name.”

His former club, Sheffield United, had previously extended an olive branch in the form of a trial to Evans, upon his release from prison, but quickly retracted it. Evans has surprisingly been unable to find a club willing to hire a convicted rapist and pleaded with the club to reconsider. In a move to help distance themselves from the Evans saga, the club have now claimed that Evans never even played for them.

Evans’ former club have also removed all images of the forward from their website and all google images of Ched Evans’ 3 years at the club. Images of former Republic of Ireland legend Clinton Morrison have instead been photoshopped over Evans’ face. Sheffield United spokesman (and best man at Wes Hoolahan’s wedding) Stephen Howard, denied that Evans ever played for the club or that he even existed: “Who? I’m sorry but I’ve never heard of anyone by that name. Are you sure you don’t mean Clinton Morrison?”

Ex Crystal Palace star, Clinton Morrison, was delighted at the move despite playing for Sheffield Wednesday for 2 years: “Well obviously it was great to be photoshopped into the pictures. I scored 35 goals in the 2011/12 season, but apparently that wasn’t good enough to get in the Ireland squad for the Euros. Trap always had it in for me.”

Astonishingly, Morrison is currently a free agent but has many options available to the two time World Player-of-the-Year. “Obviously I am watching the Fifa presidency with a keen eye. I have an offer from Damien Duffman to go to Leitrim, whatever that is. Obviously Hollywood is calling too.”

For Evans, the future looks bleak. “Well if United don’t re-sign me, then I’ll have to consider moving to a country with my sort of values, like Qatar, Iraq or North Korea. The Glorious Leader believes I can return the World Cup to North Korea.”

Please note: As the topic of this article was of a sensitive nature, Fail Much Football News would like to tell you how you can get involved in a very worthy cause:

Clinton Morrison is still without a club. This travesty cannot continue. If you’re local team/school/university needs a forward capped 36 times by Ireland, please contact our Facebook page or Morrison himself on Twitter. – FMFN