Depay: “United Move a Stepping Stone to Real Madrid in 3 Years.”

Memphis Depay
Memphis Depay

Dutch international Memphis Depay has announced that he views his move to Manchester United as a “stepping stone” to eventually joining Real Madrid.

At the announcement of the “Dutch Ronaldo’s” new move to Manchester United, Memphis Depay outlined which position he expected to play. “Well at the moment I play wide left for PSV but I expect to start up front for Man Utd immediately.” Wayne Rooney is said to be thrilled about the prospect of playing on the wing for the next 3 years, sacrificing himself for the side while someone less “ogre-like” takes the spotlight.

United Move a Stepping Stone
United Move a Stepping Stone


The 2014 World Cup star seemed visibly delighted with the move.

“Manchester United are a club that are known the world over, for overpaying players. So this was a natural choice. They offered me more money than Liverpool. I think this move will be a great stepping stone to a move to Real Madrid in 3 years, after a long and tediously drawn out transfer saga.”

Depay on “real reason” for move.

Following in the long line of players whose “destiny” it is to play for Real, rumours of a move began when the Spanish club built houses and gave jobs to all of Depay’s family. Real Madrid Godfather, Florentino Perez, did little to quell the speculation: “Everyone knows Memphis is a player we like a lot. Obviously not enough to try and sign him ourselves, but enough that we let him join our feeder team. Let us wait and see how he progresses then we shall consider tapping him up.”

Ed Woodward Transferred
Ed Woodward Transferred

PSV’s sporting director, Marcel Brands, told reporters that negotiations with United chairman Ed Woodward had been very productive. “We told United we wanted £10 million. They offered us £25 million, which we accepted immediately. Mr Woodward is a very shrewd businessman. We are currently in discussions with him over some scrap metal we have behind our stadium.”

Ed Woodward was quick to point to the important role United’s American owners, the Glazer family had in the move. “I’d like to put on record my thanks to our Great Leaders for bestowing such lavish gifts upon us. Long live Satan’s spawn.” The Glazers have denied speculation that they are using the youthful exuberance of Depay to uncover the fountain of youth and resurrect their deceased father, Malcolm Glazer. Joel: “Our father does not feast on human souls… I think it’s cats or something…”

Glazer Family, Spawn of Satan.
Glazer Family, Spawn of Satan.

When asked about obvious comparisons with Cristiano Ronaldo, Depay was quick to dismiss any similarities. “Why? Because he play for United and so will I? Because I will screw over Angel Di Maria next season like Ronaldo? Because I never pass ball like him and take 20 shots on goal before one is deflected in? You (the media) are clutching at straws.”

Comments