Former Liverpool legend Emile Heskey, has announced his intention to run for the presidency of FIFA, replacing Sepp Blatter.
Heskey sees himself as the ideal man to unite football’s troubled governing body in the wake of widespread corruption scandals: “At this time under Blatter, Fifa is sinking like the Titanic. Under my leadership, it shall soar like the Hindenburg.”
The 2001 Ballon d’Or winner feels suitably prepared for the challenge ahead: “I will lead Fifa with the same composure, awareness and guile that I brought to the football pitch. In preparation I have spent the past 2 years in Australia, the footballing capital of the world. And where better to finish off my preparations than at Bolton Wanderers.”
While some of the greatest legends of the game such as Pele and Maradona had considered running for presidency themselves, they have now both thrown their support behind Heskey. Pele: “When Mr Heskey speaks, the world listens keenly. I could not run against a man of his standing. He is 7 times my size.” Maradona was equally envious of Heskey’s achievements: “He was a master on the field, winning the “real” treble of FA, Coca Cola and Intertoto cups. Now he will be the Master of FIFA™.”
Xabi Alonso was also supportive of the announcement: “Emile has the greatest footballing mind I have ever known. He touched me in ways that I can’t describe, even though we never actually played together.”
The Bolton forward has previously been investigated by FIFA on suspicions of match fixing after the periodic-goal-getter’s inability to score in over 17,239 hours of play, which led Sepp Blatter to claim: “No one could be that shit at finishing and not be getting a little something on the side.” The claims were dropped after FIFA obtained videos of Heskey training.
Heskey is also a big star in Hollywood having starred in the Green Mile and most recently, Homeland as CIA Director David Estes. Prior to the 2011/12 Premier League season, Heskey asked to be written out so he could return to his “peak physical condition”. He scored once in 29 games for Aston Villa that season.
“Could I have become the greatest actor of all time? Perhaps. But that doesn’t matter to me. My duty is to football. I looked at Aston Villa and thought, ‘Could I relegate this team?’ And you know what? I nearly did it… Also at least I can play myself in United Passions 2.” – Emile Heskey, June 2015.
In his second season on Homeland, Heskey decided to move to Australia in order to be closer to the set of Homeland in Los Angeles. Heskey took to the Australian A-League like an oversized duck to water, scoring 9 goals in his first season. Heskey: “My first season was great for me as I became the A-League’s record ever goalscorer.”
Fifa have also confirmed that The Puskas award for best goal is to be redesigned in Heskey’s likeness.