FIFA announce United Passions sequel “United Passions X: The White Knight Rises”

Kevin Spacey on paying Blatter in United Passions sequel
Kevin Spacey on paying Blatter in United Passions sequel

FIFA and Qatar Films have announced a sequel to United Passions titled ‘United Passions X: The White Knight Rises’ to be released on Christmas day, 2016. The film will represent a reboot of the FIFA franchise almost two weeks after the last franchise began.

The Godfather of FIFA set for United Passions sequel
The Godfather of FIFA set for United Passions sequel

 

Interest in the United Passions sequel will no doubt be high after the film made $607 at the box office worldwide, making it the lowest grossing movie of all time. Kevin Spacey is set to take the lead role as Blatter, replacing Tim Roth, who has retired from acting and is currently in a coma. Spacey said the role of Blatter will mark something of a departure for him.

“Frank Underwood is a patient, cold, duplicitous, cunning and ruthless politician that knows exactly how to take what he wants. So no. I don’t see any similarities between him and Blatter.”                                                                                                                                                                        – Kevin Spacey

Blatter launched a stinging attack on Roth’s portrayal of The Godfather of FIFA’ in the United Passions saying “Roth’s sloppy and uneven performance”, cost him the Best Picture nomination. Only two people attended the film’s premiere in Los Angeles, Blatter and Roth themselves. Roth said Blatter forced him to attend the premiere saying Blatter threatened the 1% share Roth had in the films profits ($6 and counting…)

With over a 4 hour run time, Blatter said inspiration for the sequel will primarily come from films like: Terminator 2, Rocky, Rambo, Die Hard and Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants. Megan Fox has been cast as ‘unconvincing FIFA exec #1’ and Jessica Simpson is to play Blatter’s lover and sidekick. 100 porn stars have also been cast in, as of yet, unconfirmed roles.

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The film’s director, Michael Bay, says the United Passions sequel will feature the most deaths ever seen on film: “Sepp wants blood and death for UP 2. The film will begin with Sepp announcing his resignation and then focus on his redemption. Mostly, though it’ll focus on Blatter and Warner blowing up the United States, John Oliver, and the Guardian, for 4 hours.”

Early reviews of the film have been mixed with most people finding Michael Owen’s 50 minute monologue to be “excruciating”. Leitrim Observer film critic, Byron Martin said Owen’s speech “had made me want to rip off me own bleeding ear”. When questioned about Martin’s comments, Owen replied “He can Vincent Van Gogh fuck himself.”

Michael Owen to play himself in United Passions sequel
Michael Owen to play himself in United Passions sequel

FIFA also confirmed that the Michael Owen biopic, “The Most Boring Man on Earth.” will also be set in the FIFA universe.

Max Rushden is attached to star as the film’s villain: Football Italia/Weekly star, James Richardson. Rushden revealed the final act of the movie has been lifted from Die Hard 1 and will be set in Guardian HQ. “Myself and Jessica will attempt to rescue 100 school girls from the clutches of the evil AC Jimbo atop Guardian towers. I also may scale the tower with her in my hand while swatting away helicopters.”

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Posted by Fail Much Football News on Friday, 26 June 2015

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