Local Rapist Desperately Searching For Something Else To Do On Saturday

A few weeks ago during the Dragon Boat festival.

VANCOUVER, BC – A local rapist is said to be “extremely disappointed” with the cancellation of the Return of Kings’ pro-rape rally outside the city’s art gallery. The event was originally scheduled for February 6th across the world but was cancelled due to “safety concerns” according to organizer Roosh V, leaving thousands of bored rapists desperately searching for an alternative way to spend their Saturdays.

One local Vancouver rapist, who asked not to be named, says the cancellation has caused a severe disruption to his weekend schedule. “It’s very disappointing and has ruined my plans for saturday,” he said. “We elementary school teachers get such little time off as it is, so it’s dreadfully disappointing when something like this happens.”

The man says he will now be forced to make alternative arrangements this weekend. “I’ll probably end up having to go to Science World with my wife and kids instead,” he said disappointedly, “or even worse the Aquarium. It’s so depressing to see all those fish locked up like that, against their will, for our enjoyment. It’s disgusting.”

While the pro-rape rallies have attracted a huge backlash from the public and political leaders throughout the globe, many rapists, like this man, feel they are being unfairly discriminated against. “I honestly don’t understand why people can’t leave us rapists alone and stop invading our privacy,” he said.

Update – Soon after the Return of Kings event was cancelled, FM News learned that the unnamed man successfully made alternative plans for Saturday evening. He will instead attend a new art exhibit with some close friends. “It’s a surprise party,” he said. “My favourite.”

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