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OTTAWA, ON (By Maxamillian Wallace and Anthea Morritt)—Thousands of Kevin O’Leary supporters were shocked yesterday to learn that, despite his wealth of experience in the nation’s film and television industry, the former Dragon’s Den star will in fact not become Canada’s 24th Prime Minister.
Campaign Manager Chris Rougier, confirmed in a press conference Wednesday morning that Kevin O’Leary has officially decided to drop out of the ongoing Conservative Party leadership race, citing a general lack of support and O’Leary’s severe exhaustion from what experts are calling “the most grueling month and a half political career the world has ever seen”.
“I’m honestly confused as to why people didn’t support him,” Rougier said, ” I mean, he’s a millionaire businessman who people see on TV all the time, what else do people want in a political leader?“
While O’Leary looks forward to returning to his quiet life of humiliating people on national television, his supporters have taken to the internet in droves, proclaiming their disappointment that “a presidential Shark Tank/Apprentice crossover episode is now almost completely out of the question” and asking such poignant questions as, “with O’Leary gone, who will stop mother nature now?”
While confusion builds over why on earth Canadians didn’t trust a man who refers to himself as Mr.Wonderful to run their country, Conservatives can rest easy knowing that the door is now firmly open for Canada’s favourite half robot-half human Youtube sensation, Kellie Leitch, to pick up where Kevin O’Leary left off.