In keeping with his yearly tradition, Manchester United star Wayne Rooney, has politely signalled his intent to open contract talks with Manchester United. United were alerted to Rooney’s willingness to discuss terms of a new deal, after the forward demanded a move to Chelsea.
With Memphis Depay’s impending transfer set to see Rooney pushed out wide, England’s record goalscorer feel’s the time is right to move. “If I’m honest, I’m not interested in playing out on the wing at this stage of my career…. for anything less than £500,000 a week. I think Chelsea are the right club to…ah… meet my needs.” He continued, “now that I have hair I need to be in a more fashionable city than Manchester”.
Whether or not he stays at Old Trafford, Rooney is expected to use the new wage increase to fund his own hair loss prevention centre. Rooney plans to use stem cell research to help regrow hair much like Michael J. Fox wants stem cell research to treat Parkinson’s sufferers. Rooney dismissed a mooted link up with Fox saying, “there’s more important things in life than curing diseases. Baldness affects 50% of men.” The “Hunchback of Old Trafford” has so far spent over £300 million injecting horse semen and mink hair into his head, all in the name of “baldness research”.
People need to know that it’s not right to make fun of someone for being bald. I’ve been called a bald twat, roll on deodorant and a dildo, and that’s just by Roy Keane. We’re almost like regular people and we have rights.”
Jose Mourinho says that he and Rooney have a special bond: “For me, Wayne is like a son. You know, the kind of son that is never quite right. And you end up sending him away to a farm to be with others like him but still love him, silently, from a distance”
This remarkable transfer saga is one in a series of extraordinary stories emanating from Old Trafford in the past few weeks. Louis Van Gaal announcing that Marouane Fellaini is shit again, Memphis Depay admitting that his United move is a “stepping stone” to Madrid and Sir Alex returning to take over from LVG are just a number of remarkable Man Utd stories that have been overlooked by mainstream media but not Satire News.