FAIRFAX, VA—Groundbreaking new research from the National Rifle Association has found “thoughts and prayers” to be an infinitely more effective solution to mass shootings than gun control.
The study, a joint collaboration with David Duke University, found that in 100% of cases, wishing the victims and their families well is a far more practical defence against shooting sprees than any form of legislative control on firearms.
“Any sort of needless gun control would be infinitely less effective than the tried-and-trusted thoughts and prayers,” declared NRA chief Wayne LaPierre, announcing the findings of the extensive 24-hour long research.
“The NRA has worked around the clock since yesterday to deliver these findings which will surely be of far greater comfort to the families of the Las Vegas shooting than restricting the rights of any innocent gun owners.”
“Our research suggests the only way to combat a mentally unstable man loaded with 42 firearms, explosives and thousands of rounds of ammunition, is to let his victims’ families know that we’re keeping them in our prayers tonight. Simply stopping his ability to buy the weapons in the first place, what good does that do anyone?”
In any case, LaPierre moved to assure the American people that this was an isolated incident. “As the third amendment clearly states: ‘What happens in Vegas…’ ”
As LaPierre reached for his hat and coat at the end of his press conference, he turned to the assembled media one last time. “And of course our thoughts and prayers are with the victims,” he said, shaking his head. “What more can we do?”