WASHINGTON, DC – The United States of America has announced that part-time reality tv star, and full-time racist misogynist, Donald J. Trump, is to be the nation’s 45th and final president, after a dramatic day of voting across the country.
Introduced at the White House by his lifelong friend Barack Obama as “almost certainly our last president”, Trump basked in the glow of the limelight following America’s momentous decision.
“George Washington was the first,” Trump began, with his index finger raised, “and I will be the last,” he boomed, closing his fist. “I will be such a great president, that you will never need another one, just like my buddy Putin.”
“For some reason, this election has been particularly vicious and divisive,” the President-elect continued, as President Obama shifted uncomfortably in his chair. “I think it is best if America heals, moves on, and forgets about elections for a few decades. Now is the time for all Americans, and indeed all of the world, to unite under President Trump.”
Trump refused to confirm how many months, years, or decades, of fascist totalitarian dictatorship America and the rest of the free world can look forward to:
“I dunno, what am I, a mind reader?” he laughed. “4 years, 8 years, eternity, honestly it’s impossible to tell.”
“And of course there’s no guarantee the United States will even still be in existence in 4 years anyway, so it’s all up in the air at this stage,” he added, as Obama stared off into the distance.