WASHINGTON, DC—In a tense, fractured and divided Oval Office, Donald Trump, Mike Pence and Steve Bannon are reportedly still in deadlock over what day of the week the earth should end.
Given a deadline by Paul Ryan of 12 hours to come up with an answer, the acting commander-in-chief, his second in command, and Donald Trump, admit they are no closer to reaching a consensus, than they were 3 days ago.
“Friday,” squealed Trump. “We’ve got to go out with a big bang after a week of crazy parties.”
Throwing a miniature football in the air while lying on the President’s desk, Bannon dismissed his assistant’s suggestion. “No, no, no. We gotta put them out of their miseries first thing Monday morning. When they’d least expect it. It’d be so sweet to watch their faces.”
“I could not disagree more gentlemen,” VP Pence interrupted, shaking his head. “When the nukes drop we must bow out of this world in the fiery inferno of God’s loving embrace. We will die after Sunday prayer with the Lord at our side.”
“Ugh, I’d much rather die before mass thank you very much,” Trump snorted. “Besides I’m going to spend my last hours in the embrace of the woman I love, Ivanka. And at the end of the day, it’s not your call Mike,” he sneered, “it’s Steve’s…”.
While the 3 men remained deadlocked over the day, they are in complete agreement over how the USA and entire world will soon meet its maker.
“It’s going to be some sort of nuclear disaster, believe me,” Trump said, as Pence and Bannon nodded along. “Either ISIS, China, Mexico, Obama or even myself really. I mean I’ve already sat on the nuclear button twice this week but the child lock was on. Steve won’t tell what the code is.”