Van Gaal accidentally announces Manchester United’s shocking new “surprise” striker.

Almost every forward in world football has been linked to Manchester United in the past few days, since Louis Van Gaal announced a “surprise striker” could be on the way. Bookies’ favourites included Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Thomas Muller and Lee Trundle while this morning, Paddy Power suspended betting on Shaun Goater moving to Old Trafford. However, an intoxicated Van Gaal has accidentally revealed to reporters that he has decided to sign the last man anyone would ever expect United to sign. Speaking at 4am outside a San Jose bar he said:

“I’m sorry, I cannot divulge any details of our super-secret, surprise-return signing of a former United and City star, no matter how Argentinian he is… Oh crap, I probably shouldn’t have said he was returning… Oh crap, I shouldn’t have said he was Argentinian… Oh Crap, I certainly shouldn’t have said he played for City… Ahhh, it’s too hot today.”      – Louis Van Gaal

Merely seconds after Van Gaal’s proclamation, Tevez himself stumbled out of the very same bar and high-fived his soon-to-be-manager. He seemed puzzled at the suggestions that some United fans might not be so enthusiastic at the move:

“I do not understand this question. When I last played for them they clapped and sang and cried for me. I sang ‘Don’t cry for me, Old Trafford’ at the end, you remember? I can think of no possible reason why any United fan would have anything other than complete adoration for me.”    – Carlos Tevez

The Argentine forward had been expected to sign for his hometown club, Boca Juniors, but instead decided to “do a Delph” and take £300,000-a-week. He continued: “I’m delighted to be back again at my true home. United have always been in my heart, even when I was at City. I honestly thought City were United’s reserve team and thought I was being punished for only winning the Premier League and Champions League. This time I shall not let the League Cup slip away so easily.”

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