LOCAL government officials have warned Lower Mainland residents that a potential Vancouver housing crisis is imminent following the revelation that mayor Gregor Robertson has spent the past 7 months sleeping in his own office.
Robertson admitted to an undercover journalist that he no longer could afford to rent his $10,000-a-month bachelor pad in Yaletown on “a Canadian mayor’s salary”, adding, “Maybe in America but not here.”
“I don’t want to alarm anyone but property is about to get expensive in this city,” he explained. “I know everyone will think I’m crazy, but trust me. It’s always the people at the top who feel the pinch first.”
Having spent all of 2016 living out of a suitcase in his cramped 2,000 sq. ft. office, the mayor claims “immediate action is required”, before property becomes “completely unaffordable” in Vancouver.
“Something needs to be done now to provide more affordable housing to the people who need it most,” Robertson said in a statement outside his home/city hall. Staff from his office, shed tears as the mayor bravely spoke about his recent financial trouble due to soaring costs of Downtown penthouses.
Most residents who witnessed Robertson’s announcement expressed their shock at the announcement. “Affordable housing was one of the main reasons I moved to Vancouver, one local said. “I mean if I can’t afford to live here, where can I?”
Another worried renter added, “If things are this bad for the mayor, by the end of the month I could be out on the streets, or even worse, in Burnaby.”
The mayor claimed his “his first task” would be researching who’s responsible for the housing crisis and hold them responsible. “It’s someone in this city’s job to prevent things like this, but who?”
When asked why he needed such an expensive and luxurious residence in a prime location, he gasped loudly. “How the hell am I supposed to attract Chinese pop stars, if I have some shitty 2-bed in False Creek? Get real.”
Robertson’s popstar girlfriend Wanting Qu [pictured], is understood to be distinctly unimpressed by the revelation, saying she has come to expect a certain lifestyle as the “first lady of Vancouver”. However Robertson insists “Wanting and her little Mayor Moonbeam” are as strong as ever.
“What Wanting wants, I want,” he proclaimed, before double checking that sentence made sense. “Wanting wants, what Wanting wants, And I want what Wanting wants. How could I make this any clearer?”
Despite repeatedly referring to himself as homeless, Robertson does own property in Kitsilano but claims he cannot stay there due to circumstances beyond his control. “You know how much rent I can get for a house on the beach?”
