WASHINGTON, DC – A White House spokesman has confirmed that a dead body has been discovered on the front steps of the White House this morning. Details remain scarce, but the body has been identified as Birdie Sanders, and as a result, the White House has been placed under lockdown until further notice.
The alarm was first raised at approximately 7:15am, when loud screams were heard coming from the front entrance, as the body was discovered by a White House member of staff. She did not immediately identify the body as Birdie, until after calming down from the initial shock of seeing a small dead bird. “At first I thought, ‘oh my god, I just stepped on a gross disgusting bird’, so I screamed like crazy,” she told reporters, “but when I saw the American flag pinned to it’s chest, I knew it was Birdie Sanders, so I started screaming again.”
Secret Service have ruled out natural causes and are confident that Birdie was in fact murdered. ISIS, North Korea and the Clinton administration are amongst the leading suspects in the investigation, however one prominent New York fat cat, is yet to be questioned by police.
Donald Trump has yet to comment on the devastating news, despite being present in the White House at the time. Mr. Trump was having his weekly breakfast with Bill Clinton, when the screams were first heard. Upon seeing the body, Trump is said to have curiously circled around it, while maintaining eye contact with President Clinton, and stopping occasionally to sniff the body and emit a high-pitched scream.
As the Secret Service have no leads at present, they are refusing to rule out any scenario. Strands of wilted red hair, large scratches and bite marks to the body, and a decorative bow, are amongst the puzzling set of clues left at the scene. “Speculating on the cause or motive of this assassination at such an early stage is both pointless and irresponsible,” said one CNN news anchor, “But the evidence strongly suggests that this vicious murder is part of ritual sacrifice or possibly some sort of gift by the killer to some higher being.”
The body has now been swept up from the scene and transported via garbage bag to the President’s in-house 24-hour veterinarian, for forensic investigation. Given the seriousness of the situation, many of the United States’ top bird watchers and bird psychologists are being flown to Washington for consultation, alongside 12-time NBA all-star, Larry Bird.
The assassination is a tragic end to a whirlwind week for the most famous bird in America. Since appearing alongside Bernie Sanders in Portland, Oregon, possibly the most pro-bird city in America, Birdie has taken the internet by storm. In recent days, Birdie even emerged as a likely running mate for Bernie, given his overwhelming popularity, and strong foreign policy background.
Birdie’s breed and age is still unknown as is most information on the “Bernie bird”, prior to March 25th. What is known, is that he was almost definitely a democrat and a strong supporter of Bernie Sanders, the presidential candidate.
A visibly upset Senator Sanders spoke briefly about the passing of his close ally. “Today, I have lost not only my friend and closest confidant, but also someone I think would have made a damn fine vice president of the United States.”
Upon breaking the story of the assassination, FOX News immediately questioned whether the cause of death was murder. “There is absolutely no suggestion that the Bernie bird was murdered, he could have quite easily flown into a window,” said one FOX correspondent. Sean Hannity stated he felt it was “highly debatable” that it was even the same bird. “I mean how can you tell? They all look the same,” he added.
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