WASHINGTON, D.C.—The White House has confirmed that Donald Trump Jr., eldest son to the outgoing U.S. President, has tested positive for being a dipshit.
He joins a long list of Trump family members and administrative staff who have become struck down by the disease which critics claim has run rampant in Trump’s circle for years.
The diagnosis comes despite the fact that Don Jr. only last week denied the existence of dipshits at a GOP strategy meeting full of people who later all tested positive for being dipshits.
“I’ll give it a few days and then I’ll be back to myself,” Jr. tweeted, ominously, but medical experts wonder how quickly the eldest Trump will recover from such a severe case of dipshititis.
Don Jr.’s own family doctor confirmed he has suffered from mild bouts of being a dipshit his entire life. However after last month claiming that the 300,000 deaths from Covid-19 in the U.S. was “almost nothing”, officials began to worry that Don. Jr.’s particular strain of dipshititis was becoming more acute.
“I mean he’s always been a dipshit, but he’s definitely become a full blown dipshit in the past 6 months,” Donald Jr.’s family doctor told the BSJ. “Unfortunately, unlike COVID, there doesn’t seem to be any particular cure aside from long-term isolation from the rest of humanity. It won’t save him but it’ll do wonders for the rest of us.”
“We still don’t know how the human body will process being such a gigantic dipshit over a sustained period like this,” the doctor continued. “I mean certainly we can look at his parents, particular his father, for clues on how this being a dipshit ever single day of his life will affect him going forward. But Don Jr. is his own man and while still a dipshit, he is a slightly different type of dipshit to his father, who again is a very different type of dipshit to Ivanka and Melania and so on. These varying degrees of dipshits seen within the Trump family alone is what makes managing this disease so very hard.”