The National Association of Irish Milkmen has strongly defended their organisation, in the face of growing public mistrust in milkmen with “above average” facial hair. The association claim the “Speed 3” episode of Father Ted has been the direct cause of the public’s deep-rooted skepticism and called on Channel 4 and RTE to ban the episode entirely.
“The impact of this episode cannot be understated,” according to NAIM president, Brian Connolly. He claims the National Milk Hotline is inundated with calls about “suspicious looking milkmen” on a daily basis, forcing the organisation to add the following pre-recorded message:
“Thank you for contacting the National Milk Hotline. Please note, if you have a child that has been born with above average facial hair, please hang up and consult your nearest medical centre. Please do not attempt to contact your local milkman.
If you have proven DNA evidence that a member of the NAIM has fathered your child, please stay on the line.”
Immediately after the episode aired back in 1998, Ireland’s milkmen were thrust into the spotlight. Milkman calendars adorned every fridge in the country. Women refused to work, preferring instead to stay at home to greet the milkman personally, all while under the clever guise of “rearing a family”. The sale of home paternity kits skyrocketed, while child hot-towel shaves became the norm for years to come.
However the intervening 18 years have not been kind to the average milkman. New research by the NAIM suggests that, for milkmen, the influence of Pat Mustard has not been positive. “Although he represented a fine milkman from a professional standpoint, Pat Mustard is an unrealistic, hyper-sexualized, Hollywood-dreamed, perfect milkman, that simply doesn’t exist. As a result, Irish women’s expectations continues to rise, while the sexual objectification of milkmen continues to fall. Something must be done.”
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