God, the self-professed creator of the universe, has admitted his shock at Leicester City being crowned the 2015/16 Premier League champions. The 5,000-to-1 outsiders defied the odds to clinch the title ahead of established sides like Chelsea, the Manchester clubs and Arsenal. The news sent shockwaves across the globe, and apparently also the heavens. “I swear to me, I honestly never thought this was even possible,” God admitted via skype. “I’ve got Peter running the numbers and we can’t work out how the hell they did it.”
The Christian God claims that when he created the heavens and the earth, he ensured there was no scenario where Leicester City could ever win a Premier League title. “I mean it’s f**king Leicester,” he exclaimed. “I designed mankind to be capable of extraordinary things, but this is something else.
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Despite widespread media reports that Leicester’s triumph was a “miracle”, the eternal being denies any involvement. “No I can’t take any credit whatsoever,” he said humbly. “Between Claudio and I, there are two gods now,” before quickly adding, “but no more…”
He also denied any involvement from Jesus Christ, who claims to love the “unpredictable nature” of English football. “Contrary to several news stories, my son is not currently lining out for Leicester, in the shape of Wes Morgan,” God said. “Everyone know’s that Jesus isn’t black and white about his football.”
Several other Supreme Beings also congratulated Leicester on their success. Shortly after Chelsea’s draw with Tottenham, Allah tweeted: “@LCFC Get in Hazard!! HolyFuckBalls! I thought I was the only one who was above all comprehension, but Leicester are champions??? #LeicesterCityIsTheNewMecca”
Similarly Lord Krishna posted several pictures on Instagram of himself and several other Hindu deities enjoying their own ‘Vardy party’. “On behalf of myself and all the Gods up here, we’d just like to congratulate Leicester City on their tremendous achievement. We don’t know what you all did in previous lives but you deserve it!”
L. Ron Hubbard was unavailable for comment.
