A defiant Stephen Harper has refused to stand down as leader of the Conservative Party, and instead, signalled his intent to move the party to a new breakaway state, known as the Republic of Western Canada.
Speaking in the immediate aftermath of the election results, Harper appeared to suggest he would resign as Conservative leader following the landslide loss.
However during Justin Trudeau’s victory speech, “The Wolf of Sussex Drive” stormed back onto the stage in his native Calgary to dismiss rumours of his reported retirement and make the shocking announcement:
“Now is not the time to rest,” he said to rapturous applause. “Now more than ever, Canada needs traditional values and realistic goals. Which is why I’m proposing Western Canada separates itself from our Ontarian and Québécois rulers. I would like to formally announce my candidacy to become the first Prime Minister of Western Canada.”
Displaying a surprising level of foresight, the defeated leader revealed discussions are already underway with a leading Republican candidate in the US:
“As the leader of the new Republic I look forward to building a long fruitful relationship with our neighbours in the US, once President-elect Donald Trump is sworn in. We’re already working on plans to create thousands of new jobs for Canadians by building a wall between West and East Canada.” – Stephen Harper.
Despite the Liberal party claiming a majority government, in Alberta, the Conservatives won an overwhelming majority, suggesting Albertans have little faith in Trudeau.
“The Republic of Western Canada has a difficult decision ahead,” the outgoing PM said. “When I meet average, everyday Canadians, they tell me they’re tired of the East deciding the future of Canada. I believe it’s time for the West to rise up and break away from our oppressors. Vancouver can stay in Canada however. Once again, those pot-smoking hippies have let the west down.”
When asked what a Western Republic would mean for the region’s First Nations population, Harper said: “We need to keep Canada for Canadians. Our ancestors didn’t steal this land, just to see it stolen from us. So, as a peace offering to the indigenous people of Canada, we would like to offer them Vancouver Island. Feel free to do with it what you will.”
Gilles Duceppe, Leader of Bloc Québécois, dismissed Harper’s plans, saying: “What a ridiculous idea. Why would anyone want to leave this great country?”
The Republic of Western Canada Facebook group has already amassed almost 12,000 members, suggesting a potential uprising is imminent.
