WASHINGTON, DC—Having earlier in the week admitted his advice on drinking bleach and injecting disinfectant into your veins to cure Covid-19 was actually just sarcasm, President Trump today held another press conference announcing that in fact his entire presidency has been sarcasm too.
“I’ve just been saying these sarcastic things all this time to see what would happen,” Trump told reporters from the Oval Office.
“So everything you’ve ever said has been sarcastic?” one reported for The Hill asked the President.
“Yes. The things I’ve said, the things I’ve done, every single action I’ve taken during my entire presidency, basically the past 6 years of my life, it’s all been just one big sarcastic joke. Get it?”
“You guys didn’t actually believe any of that stuff, did you?” he added.
After a brief moment of silence from the press corps, one female journalist eventually responded: “So when you said that you used to walk into women’s locker rooms at the Miss America contests and grab other women by their pussies, you mean to say that you were being sarcastic?”
“Yes of course, young lady. I would never, ever abuse my position of power by taking advantage of women like that. I was being sarcastic. Get it? Furthermore I would never ever be unfaithful to my wife.”
“What about when you claimed to have had the largest attendance at an inaugration in history. Was that sarcastic?” another reporter queried.
“Absolutely! Didn’t you see the pictures!” the President responded.
“So when you called Mexicans rapists, that was sarcasm too?”
“Yes. Totally sarcastic.”
“And when you said you were going to build a wall with Mexico?”
“Of course! You guys didn’t actually follow through on that, did you?” he said, turning to his bemused staff. “That was a total joke each and every one of the 14,836 times I said it. I mean doesn’t anyone get sarcasm around here?!”
“You should have seen the looks on your faces when I told you I wanted to buy Greenland,” he exclaimed, shaking his head in disbelief. “I can’t believe you actually bought that shit.”
“What about when you called Rosie O’Donnell a fat pig, a slob, a…..”
“OK, that was the only time when I was not being sarcastic,” Trump interrupted. “I meant every single word I said about Rosie.”
“And when you said you would be dating Ivanka if she wasn’t your daughter?”
“OK this meeting is over,” Trump said, ending the press conference, before ordering everyone except Ivanka to leave the room immediately.