LOS ANGELES, CA (By Dan Sweryt)—Death threats meant for the couple at the centre of the Oscar’s ‘Best Picture’ mix-up were delivered to the wrong accountants after an envelope mix-up by the US Mail Service.
PricewaterhouseCoopers bean-counters Brian Cullinan and Martha Ruiz were scheduled to get the death threats this morning.
However, instead, mid-level accountants Davey Bobrow and Starry Fred of TediousAbacus plc, received the correspondence this morning. It consisted exclusively of Nicolas Cage quotes, cut and pasted solely from Total Film and Empire magazines.
Speaking from an undisclosed location in New York through a voice anonymizer, the mailman at the centre of the mix-up, who wished to remain nameless, Pat Clifton, said, “This is literally terrifying for us. We could receive death threats! Our job involves delivering millions of envelopes a year.
“This is putting immense pressure on each and every one of us. It means I could be killed now that I’ve mix two envelopes up! Overall that’s a better than 99.9998% success rate!
“Not even Denzel Washington has that!
Film buff Billy-Bob Williams said, “This is taking it a bit far, isn’t it? I mean, it was just a mistake and, if the media didn’t jump on it, it would barely have been noticed by anything. Move on, people.
“But death threats? Who are these right-wing movie lovers? The only one I can think of is Leonard Maltin, really. He’s a bit of a psycho when he’s had a drink at one of his infamous ‘Oscar Parties’.”