Subscribe to the BSJ
Subscribe to the Burrard Street Journal for the latest breaking news.
CONTINUING his policy of appointing key players that served him so crucially in the race for the presidency, Donald Trump has appointed Twitter as the new White House Press Secretary.
The news confirms what many had long suspected ever since he won the election; Trump’s personal Twitter feed will replace the outgoing-Josh Earnest on a full-time basis.
“I am delighted to announce that Twitter will be the new White House Press Secretary,” Trump’s official Facebook status read.
“Honestly it’s probably the single greatest factor to my success. It gives me the platform to speak directly to my people, free from the unbiased, fact-checking media. So it deserves to be the voice of the American presidency for the next 4 years.”
The 45th President claims his appointment will save the American taxpayers “so much money”, as it “removes the need for the White House Press Corps”, a group Trump described as “honestly a total waste”.
Initially, Trump appeared unsure who he would appoint to the spokesperson role, answering “so I have to get one of those too?” when first questioned on the subject. But as a dramatic 2016 election reached its conclusion the incoming president claims the appointment became a “no brainer”. Especially given Trump’s plans to spend more time in the newly refurbished “White House North” as well as “bi-monthly diplomatic trips to the Kremlin” and to “personally oversee” construction of his wall.
Moments after Trump’s announcement, Twitter released a short statement. “While Twitter is honoured to have been appointed White House Press Secretary, we must again reiterate to Mr. Trump that Twitter is a social media website and not a human being.”
“In no way is Twitter capable of performing this role,” the statement finished, to which Trump immediately retweeted adding, “yeah well neither am I, but you don’t hear me whining about it.”
Some liberal commentators have called Trump’s new appointment “mind-crushingly stupid”, to which Trump responded, “Come on! That’s totally unfair. This is at the very least my 3rd most stupid appointment, I mean come on, @DrBenCarson and @SteveBannon? Is Twitter really much dumber than those two?”