VANCOUVER,BC—The Province of British Columbia tonight unanimously approved a proposal to replace all offensive statues throughout B.C. with statues of Dr. Bonnie Henry instead.
An independent panel will now review each historical statue in the province, removing any deemed to have expressed racist or controversial sentiments and replacing them with one of 5 statues of Dr. Henry standing in a variety of poses.
In their ‘Call for Submissions’ the B.C. government stated that special consideration would be given to anyone with experience sculpting John Fluevog shoes.
Dr. Henry became world famous during the Covid-19 outbreak for her calm, measured and decisive response. B.C. now has the lowest rates of new cases as other Canadian provinces still struggle to contain the spread.
“It’s time this province started promoting real heroes like Dr. Henry and our frontline health care workers instead of people like John MacDonald and Gastown Jack,” the anonymous proposal read.
“Bonnie Henry has been featured in the NY Times as THE shining example to the entire world on how to lead during a pandemic. Gassy Jack’s major claim to fame was marrying the 12-year-old niece of his dead wife, so it’s not really a tough call.”
The new statues will feature Dr. Henry in a variety of poses including one of her revealing the Superman logo beneath her blouse and another of her in her iconic pose behind a Province of B.C. podium.
“The statues will feature Bonnie’s iconic Fluevog shoes, will be over 20 feet tall and will be made of pure solid gold,” a government spokesperson confirmed, “so as to keep them as true to Dr. Henry’s likeness as possible.”