Premier League Sides “Desperate” To Flog Unwanted Shit To China

With the Chinese transfer window set to shut tonight, many Premier League sides are expecting a busy day of negotiating as they face bids for some of their most unwanted players. One leading chairman even claimed the Chinese transfer window could be busier than the English window. “There’s a lot of money in China, and a lot of shit players in the Premier League,” he said bluntly.

Wherever unexpectedly-wealthy football clubs are, Mario Balotelli is sure to be near, and the Italian striker is expected to make a move to a random Chinese side today.

Jurgen Klopp admits he’s unsure whether Balotelli will be lucky enough to earn a move, admitting the situation is “completely” out his hands. “It all depends on how stupid these Chinese clubs really are,” he said. “I mean honestly, what kind of brain dead morons would take a chance on Mario?”

Similarly some of the other most worthless and overpaid Premier League flops face an anxious wait to discover if their “dream transfer” will come true. “The waiting is a nightmare,” one unnamed Stoke City forward told FM Football News. “I’ve been through this before so I’m trying to remain calm and wait by my phone. I certainly won’t be circling any Chinese clubs’ car parks today, that’s for sure.”

Crystal Palace are the latest side to be bit by the Emmanuel Adebayor bug and will be looking for a vaccine from China today. The Togolese forward is reportedly unhappy his current £100k-a-week deal, which he signed 4 weeks ago, and says he wants to move to a club that “respects” him more, “financially speaking”.

Charles N’Zogbia also claims “the time has come” for him to “jump ship” and make the move to Asia. “I feel I’ve taken Villa as far as I can. I think they have a great chance of avoiding relegation this season, so the time is right for me to move on to my next challenge; trying to figure out how to spend £500k a week.”

Harry Redknapp told Sky Sports News that days like today make him miss being a manager. “With the money those Chinese are throwing about, I’d love to be involved on a day like today. God, I’d sell those fuckers a thousand Niko Kranjcars.”

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