VANCOUVER, BC—A local satire writer who until today had always prided himself on being able to lampoon the already ridiculous reality of present day U.S. politics, admitted that he was really struggling to come up with a celebrity dumber than Kanye West or Donald Trump to run for president.
“Come on John think, think, you’ve got this,” the withered writer was heard muttering to himself in the early hours of Thursday morning. “You’ve been doing this for almost 6 years now, you’ll come up with something stupid. You always do.”
“Ok, ok, ok, someone dumber than Kanye and Trump….” he repeated, pacing back and forth across the front lawn of his solid gold mansion on Burrard Street. “Dumber than Kanye and Trump… Kim and Melania? No. That’s far too believable.”
“Wendy Williams? Dane Cook? Gary Busey? Kevin Spacey? The Lucky Charms Leprechaun? No. No. No. No. NOO! None of them are as dumb as the currents lineup,” the exacerbated writer screamed, flinging his notepad onto his tennis court.
“Can anyone name someone from the Jersey Shore?” he bellowed at his gardeners and wait staff. “Anyone??? Snotty??? Is that one of them?”
At press time, the writer was reportedly probing his 6-year-old cat and 6-month-old kitten for ideas, who as of yet had offered little beyond repeatedly suggesting the deceased founding father of China, Chairman Mao.