WASHINGTON, DC—Continuing his policy of appointing key players that served him so crucially in the race for the presidency, President Trump has appointed Twitter as the new White House Press Secretary.
The news confirms what many had long suspected; Trump’s personal Twitter feed will replace the outgoing Sarah Sanders on a full-time basis, having frequently filled in for the beleaguered 45-year-old.
“I am delighted to announce that Twitter will be the new White House Press Secretary,” Trump’s official Facebook status read. “Honestly it’s probably the single greatest factor to my success. It gives me the platform to speak directly to my people, free from the unbiased, fact-checking media. So it deserves to be the voice of the American presidency for the next 4 years.”
The President claims his appointment will save the American taxpayers “so much money”, as it removes the need for the White House Press Corps, a group Trump described as “honestly a total waste”.
Moments after Trump’s announcement, Twitter released a short statement. “While Twitter is honoured to have been appointed White House Press Secretary, we must again reiterate to Mr. Trump that Twitter is a social media website and not a human being.”
“In no way is Twitter capable of performing this role,” the statement finished, to which Trump immediately re-tweeted adding, “yeah well neither am I, but you don’t hear me whining about it.”
Some liberal commentators have called Trump’s new appointment “mind-crushingly stupid”, to which Trump responded, “come on! That’s totally unfair. This is at the very least my 3rd most stupid appointment, I mean come on, Ben Carson and Steve Bannon? Is appointing an app really much dumber than those two?”