NEW YORK, NY – Donald J. Trump has personally contacted the Joint Congressional Committee on Inaugural Ceremonies, requesting permission to use his own “great book” instead of the more “old fashioned” Holy Bible.
The Art of the Deal, the Donald Trump Book Club “Book Of The Year” for the past 19 years, would replace the Bible after fears within the Trump Transition team that the holy book might spontaneously combust during the swearing-in ceremony.
“Honestly it’s just a precaution,” his advisor Kellyanne Conway told the Burrard Street Journal. “It’s just that in rehearsal the last 65 Bibles Donald touched, randomly burst into flames for some reason.”
“We just feel the Art of the Deal is a more appropriate book for the ceremony,” she noted, adding, “so long as we can finally get Donald to control his erections whenever he touches it.”
Trump meanwhile reassured his worried conservative Christian fan base that they shouldn’t read too much into the move. “Honestly it’s a terrific book and in some ways I’m kinda like God now right?” he told a feverish crowd on the Californian leg of his “You’re Welcome” tour. “So I guess that makes my book really the new Bible, which is such a tremendous honour, it really is.”