WASHINGTON, DC—American President Donald Trump has expressed his profound gratitude to Russia, thanking his “fantastic friend” Vladimir Putin for his support in the United States’ inevitable war with Canada.
Facing the wrath of Canada’s notorious dairy and softwood lumber cartels, the 45th President excitedly revealed Putin had personally called him via Skype to offer his unwavering support in the “unavoidable, but necessary” conflict.
“Faced with enemies like Canada, the US is lucky to be able to count on a friend like Russia,” the American President told Sean Hannity moments after speaking with Putin. “It’s at times like this you find out who your true friends are and who’s really got your back,” he proclaimed of the allegedly-former head of the KGB.
Trump revealed his trusted ally’s total commitment to “the good guys” had brought him a great deal of comfort, claiming the million-or-so Russian troops could just help “tip the scales” against the Canadian army.
“Now more than ever we need to keep our friends close and enemies closer,” he declared. “Those snow Mexicans are just as dangerous as their sunny counterparts, believe me.”
Speaking to the White House press corps, alongside a Russian interpreter, Trump revealed Canada’s careless disregard for America while considering their own domestic policy had left him with little choice.
“For years Canada has totally taken advantage of this country and now as many as 8 Wisconsin farmers have been affected. Vlad says it’s one of the clearest acts of war he’s ever seen, and he’s seen his fair share, let me tell you.”
Not long since his 100th day in office, Trump claims Putin’s free and “no strings attached” advice, has been invaluable given his relative inexperience leading a nation, or making intelligent decisions.
“You know if it wasn’t for my Vladdy, I’d probably still think Canada was just looking after their own people rather than the outrageous provocation of nuclear war, that it so clearly is.” he added, gushing at how “helpful” the Kremlin had been at immediately putting together a plan to invade Canada and seize their oil. “Honestly it’s like me and Vlad finish each other’s war crimes, it’s kinda crazy, right?”