WASHINGTON, DC—U.S. President Donald Trump has vowed to “stop at nothing” to protect his country in a potential war with North Korea, even if it means sacrificing Canada. After the North Koreans recently demonstrated their military prowess, the American Commander-in-chief stressed he’s ready to make some “difficult decisions”.
Telling Fox News it would upset him “bigly”, President Trump reluctantly admitted he’s “fully prepared” to sacrifice up to 36 million Canadian lives, such is his determination to prevent any attack from Kim Jong Un.
“It goes without saying that nuking Canada is something no American President ever wants to do,” Trump said reassuringly. “But like all the great men who have gone before me, I must set aside the well-being and safety of Canada, in pursuit of America’s interests.”
“North Korea is a serious threat and I will not hesitate in threatening or antagonising them on twitter, even if it means being forced to deflect any incoming missiles north of the border. I will stop at nothing to keep the people who voted for me alive for another 4 years.”
President Trump sympathises with Canada’s situation given its close proximity to one of the least popular countries on planet earth. “I guess whatever we do, they have no choice. But Canada is America’s helmet, that’s what it’s there for, that’s what it’s meant to do and we thank them for their sacrifice.”
The 45th President refused to rule out using parts of Canada as testing grounds for nuclear weapons, earmarking Vancouver and Toronto as potential mock-American locations. Reaction to the news caused house prices in the two cities to plummet by nearly half a percent.
Trump also accepted his readiness to sacrifice the state of Alaska, having just discovered it’s not part of Canada, and claimed losing California “wouldn’t be the worst thing”.