NEW YORK, NY—Rising slowly from his seat and slamming his fist on the newspaper where he had just been reading Trump’s latest comments, Jon Stewart this morning reportedly wondered allowed for the first time, “wait, why the hell am I not running for President?”
Finally realizing what many Americans had known for some time, it dawned on Stewart that he has accomplished far more as a private citizen since leaving the Daily Show than many of the “very busy” lawmakers in D.C. have done.
“I’ve probably done more for this country in the past week than cheeto and Bitch McConnell have done in their entire bone spur-infested lives,” he mused, pacing back and forth across his kitchen while continuing to mutter to himself.
He quickly determined that he could definitely do a far better job than Donald Trump at running the country. “I mean really, if that jackass can get elected, why can’t this jackass get elected?” he said, pointing to himself.
Stewart, who this week was widely lauded for his persistence in securing funding for victims of the 9/11 terror attacks, fought passionately for unselfish goals, something Donald Trump knows only too well. Naturally the American President, with odds currently suggesting he’ll return to the oval office, weighed in on the potential Jon Stewart 2020 ticket.
“Name one thing Jon Stewart has ever done for this country?” Trump said.
When the reporter reminded Trump that Stewart had this week secured funding for 9/11 victims through to 2092, the President responded: “Ok, well name one thing he’s done in the past 24 hours then? Because I’ve already locked up many many dangerous migrant toddlers since this morning. What’s Stewart done?”
“Also I have just secured funding too for my huge wall, that I’m already claiming to have built. Now there will be no more disadvantaged immigrants getting into this country and raping everyone. So there is great work being done on both sides.”
At time of press, Stewart is believed to attempting to register a variant of ‘Jon Stewart for President 2020’ for a website but unable to find one that ‘t already been registered for years.