A new study has revealed that a staggering 87% of Vancouver residents’ problems are currently being blamed on Surrey, a high not seen since the 2011 Stanley Cup riots.
Topping the list of reasons to dislike the city of Surrey, Vancouverites cited “because it’s fucking Surrey, you know?” as the main cause, narrowly beating out “why do we need a reason, it’s Surrey”, a close second.
Although crime rates in Surrey have dropped steadily since 2004, Vancouver citizens’ continued fear of their neighbouring city has risen, which is thought to be a significant factor.
“Honestly, it’s like our Harlem, it’s just so dangerous there,” claimed one Kitsilano respondent. “It’s like Baltimore and Baghdad rolled into one,” wrote another.
“Everything is their fault. My car won’t start in the morning? Surrey. My girlfriend won’t put out? Fucking Surrey man,” said Mike, 26, adding, “and you just know the housing crisis is on them too.”
Most respondents did concede however that Surrey’s image probably suffers from its proximity to Vancouver, the safest 115 km² on planet earth.
“I guess we’re just so lucky that nothing bad ever happens in the ‘Couve,” one Point Grey local said. “No assaults, rapes or murders here. And if anything bad ever does happen it’s always someone from Surrey who did it, you can just tell can’t you?”