Grealish: “Leaving Cert More Stressful than International Decision.”

Jack Grealish has announced that he is more nervous about repeating his leaving cert than choosing between playing for the Republic of Ireland or England.

“Well I’m not nervous about my international decision, but I don’t want to upset Mr. Keane because he said he’ll castrate me if I choose England. I’ve just hired Tony Cascarino as my adviser so I’m sure he’ll help me make the right choice. Tony said I can play for Jamaica if I want.”

                                                                                               – Jack Grealish on international future.

A controversial summer for Grealish got even stranger after the young Birmingham native announced his intention to further his education in a Galway City university, rather than continue at Aston Villa. The news caps a remarkable few months for Grealish, after he refused a call up to the Republic of Ireland squad. Grealish passionately argued: “All I’ve ever wanted is what any young lad in Galway wants… to study Ag. science in GMIT. I’m just not sure if I’ll get the points though. I couldn’t be bothered about the soccer anymore to be honest.”

The FA Cup finalist also intends to play Gaelic Football for Galway county. The announcement has triggered a separate tug of war between Connaught footballing rivals, London and Galway, over where the young prodigy should play. Grealish added: “I really should have seen this coming.” Villa manager, Tim Sherwood seemed uninterested in Grealish’s self-imposed break from the game, saying: “I doubt I’ll still be here this time next year, so what do I care?”

“Obviously living in Birmingham, studying Gaelige is difficult so I think it’s my worst subject. I was shitting it during the Irish oral and I’m not great at comprehensions either but I think the tape will be sound.” Grealish said. GMIT president Damien Martyn said: I’m delighted Jack has chosen GMIT over GTI and that other place. I’m particularly proud to introduce Jack to Bushy Park Gaels where he will play his club football at corner-back.”

Finally Grealish added that his father had recommended a part-time course in the neighbouring village Moycullen: “Me auld lad says I need to get the auld Green Cert for tax raisons. Ah suure it’s only a couple of nights a week. It’s a pure doss altogether shaft. The lads here are as soft as brushes” Grealish says he loves travelling around Galway: “I saw a man named Eddie performing self fellatio and I love Supermacs…” 

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