Jared Fogle: “Subway not to blame for paedophilia; attractive children the problem.

Jared Fogle to be force-fed Subway
Jared Fogle to be force-fed Subway

Disgraced former Subway spokesman, Jared Fogle, has defended the company from claims that Subway’s bread possesses a rare chemical linked to paedophilia.

Fogle shot to fame in 2000, after claiming that eating Subway sandwiches enabled him to lose 245 pounds in less than a year. Now he faces up to 12 years in prison after pleading guilty to possession of child pornography, amongst other charges.

As part of his sentence, Mr. Fogle will be forced to eat Subway sandwiches for every meal, for the duration of his sentence, a common method of punishment in Guantanamo Bay.

Speaking to TMZ, Fogle denied that his Subway-only diet was responsible for his current predicament: 

“The public are quick to blame Subway without looking at the real issue, which is the kids themselves. Children are too attractive these days. It’s not Subway’s fault, or mine, for that matter. And besides, even if there was a link between Subway and paedophilia, can you really put a price on losing weight?”

The North American Man/Boy Love Association (NAMBLA) president David Thorstad, echoed Fogle’s comments: “Our members tend to find Subway’s rolls to be far too big and long for their tastes.”

Jared Fogle
Jared Fogle

While scientists understand very little about paedophilia and it’s causes, many convicted paedophiles contain high levels of the chemical azodicarbonamide in their system. Azodicarbonamide is a chemical found in yoga mats, that up until 2014 was also used in Subway sandwiches in North America.

One of the leading researchers into the causes of paedophilia, Dr. Alphonse Mephesto, said there is little evidence to suggest that Subway caused Mr. Fogle to become sexually attracted to children. “While we are aware that this chemical was prevalent in Subway sandwiches prior to last year,” said Dr. Mephesto, “there is absolutely no evidence to suggest that paedophiles eat exclusively at Subway restaurants. Our research indicates that it was far more likely that paedophiles are eating yoga mats than Subway, due to the difficult-to consume texture of the sandwiches.”

Subway have also announced that will no longer sponsor NAMBLA’s yearly retreat to North Korea.

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