JERUSALEM, ISRAEL—For centuries, bishops, archaeologists, personal trainers, theologians, nutritionists, Mel Gibson and bros alike have argued while spotting each other over whether the Holy Sepulchre is truly the site where Christ obtained the body of a God.
Well now they can collectively shut their mouths as the tomb believed to be the place where Jesus Christ resurrected and went from zero to hero has been opened for the first time in centuries.
The tomb has been closed since the 1500s in order to prevent wimps stealing Jesus’s sick techniques. The gym had been destroyed and rebuilt so many times that bros of the cloth were left unsure about what it might contain.
It took 12 men to push the giant rock blocking the tombs entrance aside. Now free to enter, the first visitors breathed the air that hit them like a 2000 year old jockstrap. Through the murk they could just make out the limestone slab by the wall where Jesus is believed to have pumped sand for 3 days straight, only stopping to turn water into creatine.
So was that it? A bit disappointing right? Well hold onto your shake weight there buckaroo because another massive rock which no one previously knew existed, has been unearthed within the tomb and might be hiding something. Experts have said the rock “looks heavy as fuck” and that the room is “too small” for a team of chicken leg bros to attempt to budge it.
Enter champion Christian squatter Doyu Evanlifbro of Finland. The Herculean Exemplar lifted the tomb’s 1250lb rock on his second attempt allowing researchers entry.
Inside they found an ancient scripture containing a 3-day plan to give Jdizzle the miraculous strength needed to move the giant rock keeping him imprisoned. It also fully detailed how to take advantage of what little equipment Christ had at his disposal… and lastly a wicked recipe for a gluten free high protein chicken and sweet Potato Stew.
Archaeologist Dustin Forbones of Jesus, Mary and Broseph Industries, a partner in the project, said: “The craziest thing to me is he didn’t have a mirror in here. What’s the point in getting swoll if you can’t check yourself out?”
So what’s to be done now?
Well the heads of CrossFit USA are currently in talks with Vatican leaders in the hopes of a partnership that will benefit both sides.
A CrossFit representative released a statement saying, “we are very excited to bring our brand of fitness to the area. The gym equipment on site is a tad out of date and will need a few repairs, but the team hope to create a world-class gym to facilitate local douchebags very soon”. When asked for a potential name he said “Nothing is chiseled in stone tablets yet but so far Stairmaster to heaven seems to be the frontrunner”.
When quizzed on the discovery, Pope Francis, during an interview with Ikota Qeztion of letsaskthepope.com, said:
“According to Holy Scripture, Jesus died on the cross, was buried for three days before rising from the dead. But now we know he didn’t take that treatment lying down like some bitch after leg day”