TORONTO, ON — One of the world’s foremost theoretical physicists has been stabbed 53 times, after claiming the universe has “no centre” during a Q&A at the University of Toronto.
An evening that ended in tragedy had begun so well, with the scientist’s 90-minute presentation on cosmological theory reportedly well-received by those in attendance, even resulting in a brief standing ovation.
Indeed the guest of honour, who cannot be named for legal reasons, was responding to the final question of the evening when he made the controversial and ultimately life-ending remark.
“So professor, where would you say is the centre of the universe?” one student asked smiling with an eyebrow raised.
“Oh that’s quite easy,” the respected academic replied. “According to standard cosmological theories the universe has no centre at all.”
Organizers say the mood in the Dr. Robert Ford Auditorium immediately turned somber, then to confusion, and ultimately unbridled rage.
Just as the scientist was beginning to explain his answer, all of the 6,000 students and faculty members in attendance rushed the stage, surrounding the bewildered man with knives drawn.
Doctors claim he did not immediately succumb to his injuries but died four hours later, tragically seconds before emergency services arrived.
Despite multiple eyewitnesses and countless forensic evidence to the contrary, local Toronto police claim the incident is among the “worst cases of suicide” they’ve ever seen.
“To have the dexterity to stab yourself in the spine 53 times is a little unusual,” a TPD spokesperson conceded. “But obviously this is one particularly disturbed individual we’re talking about here, spouting all of that nonsense.”
A brief statement from Canada’s biggest university read: “While the University of Toronto is famed for its openness to free speech and alternative ideas, in this instance we feel that son of a bitch got what he deserved.”
