Ted Cruz Admits His Father Assassinated JFK, His Wife Is Ugly And He’s Canadian

Ted Cruz Admits Father Killed JFK
Ted Cruz Admits Father Killed JFK

FORMER republican candidate Ted Cruz has made a series of shocking confessions, just hours after finally endorsing Donald Trump for president.

Cruz made the remarks on Fox News while appearing alongside Trump live via satellite, in an apparent show of unity from the GOP. The republican nominee began by saying he was “delighted” to receive Cruz’s endorsement before introducing his former rival.

“Ted has something he’d like to tell everyone, don’t you?” Trump said, in front of a nervous looking Cruz. “Go ahead, don’t be shy.”

As Trump relaxed in his chair, beaming widely, Cruz cleared his throat before saying, “I Ted Cruz would like to officially confirm that my father did in fact assassinate John F. Kennedy”.

“Aaannddd? Is there anything else you’d like to tell the wonderful people?” Donald asked while poking Cruz.

“Yes,” Cruz sighed. “My wife Heidi is also dreadfully ugly.”

As the hosts sat uncomfortably in silence back in the Fox News studio, Mike Pence could be overheard snickering and laughing during the live feed. “Get him to say that his butt smells, and that he likes to kiss his own butt,” Pence was heard suggesting.

Full story: Donald Trump Apologizes To Ted Cruz For Calling Him “A Canadian” | Ted Cruz Admits Father Killed JFK
Full story: Donald Trump Apologizes To Ted Cruz For Calling Him “A Canadian” | Ted Cruz Admits Father Killed JFK

“What else do have to say for yourself, huh?” Donald probed, looking Cruz up and down.

“No, nooo,” Cruz screamed, as tears began streaming down his face, “I’m not saying that. Anything but that.”

“Teddy, I thought we had an agreement,” Trump muttered, as Cruz sobbed openly.

Although the Texan senator struggled to draw his breath, he eventually composed himself long enough to utter the words, “I…. I am…. I am Canadian. I’m Canadian, not American,” before breaking down completely.

The interview ended with Trump lighting a cigar using a “TrusTed 2016” pamphlet, while Pence covered Cruz in toilet paper and as a bound and gagged John Kasich looked on.

What do you think happened to Ted Cruz’s spine? Let us know on Facebook and Twitter