WASHINGTON, DC — The President of the United States believes he may have stop the spread of further wildfires in the Amazon Rainforest, by proposing the U.S. nuke the rainforest.
On the same day that Canada pledged $15 million and France pledged $20 million to help tackle the ongoing crisis, Trump discussed pledging over $100 million in nuclear missiles to be dropped directly on the northern Brazilian state of Rondonia.
Having last week reportedly asked why the the government hadn’t thought of nuking hurricanes before, Trump again reiterated his desire to see nuclear warheads solve problems posed by mother nature.
This idea reportedly came up during a recent Amazon Rainforest briefing, with Trump repeatedly asking aides to give him “one good reason” why detonating a nuclear bomb in Brazil was a bad idea.
“Will dropping nukes stop these fires or not?” the President eventually asked the room to which one senior climate expert responded, “well Sir technically yes but…” before being cut off by Trump who replied, “OK, problem solved. Do that and just throw a bunch of paper towels at Brazil and we’re good”.
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“It’s exactly the kind of out-of-the-box thinking that got the man elected in the first place,” former Trump advisor Steve Bannon told Fox News. “Other people look at problems and think ‘how can we solve this without harming anyone’. Donald Trump looks at problems and thinks ‘we should drop a nuke on this and go golfing’. That’s why he’s the president of the United States.”
Trump also spoke at length about having been reassured of his plan by a close and trusted advisor.
“Honestly Vlad tells me that a little bit of nuclear radiation is perfectly fine and can actually really help an area thrive. Just look how wildlife is flourishing in Chernobyl. Why aren’t we doing that to the rainforests? Think about how great it will be for the wildlife that survives.”
A source close to the President said that in all likelihood, America’s major contribution to stopping the Amazon wildfires will be “preventing Trump from making the situation any worse”.
“It’s the best we can hope for,” she said, rolling her eyes and grabbing an old whiteboard with the words “Nukes = Bad” written in bright colourful markers.
Editor’s note: If you would like to help the Amazon rainforest donate to the RAINFOREST ACTION NETWORK and/or to the RAINFOREST TRUST.
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