WASHINGTON, DC—President Donald J. Trump has promised supporters that “America will go out on top” when the world ends next year, after officially withdrawing the country from the Paris Climate Change Accord. “The finish line is in sight folks, and I’m determined to ensure America goes out as the number 1 country in the world,” Trump told supporters to a chorus of cheers and tears.
By pulling the United States out of the historic climate change agreement, the President recognizes that planet Earth hasn’t got “much time left” and will work tirelessly to put America first for what little remains of the world’s time in the solar system.
“Nobody ever remembers who finishes second, but no one will ever forget America after all this, I promise you,” Trump reassured fans to a chorus of “we’re number 1” and “America first”.
Central to the President’s ingenious strategy will be speeding up the effects of climate change on the earth’s atmosphere while every other country “wastes time” trying to save the planet human beings have called home for over 200,000 years.
“France, Germany, Canada, they’re all total dumbasses. Don’t they realize the sooner the world ends the better, before India and China catch up,” he said, detailing plans to burn more coal, oil and fossil fuels than ever before.
America’s 45th and final President claims that when civilization finally meets its end next year, likely due to flooding, overheating or suffocation, humanity will be in no doubt as to which country was the most important.