NEW YORK, NY – A United Nations general assembly has concluded that the “only remaining course of action” available is to try turning America off and on again. The U.N. has confirmed that the virus named, “Code Orange” has infiltrated all aspects of the United States system, leaving the U.N. with little option.
The intergovernmental organization acknowledges the step is “drastic” but claims their “hands are tied” following the U.S. ambassador’s admission that his government knew about this virus as early as 2012, but took no preemptive measures to combat it.
While the U.N acknowledges that America runs some of the most complex and impressive programs in the world, it claims the United States runs those programs on a very outdated operating system, possibly from the early 70’s.
Dr. Gloria Masterson, an American computer scientist, was present at the assembly to explain the technical issues currently experienced by the American OS. She confirmed the virus needs a host program, in this case “the media”, and explained that Code Orange is a “particularly aggressive” virus.
The virus apparently first surfaced after a new and experimental update for a critical program was installed, named “U.S Presidential election 20.1.6”. Computer experts believe the virus was contained in this update.
“At first the virus seemed harmless, I mean a little annoying, but still harmless. It was kind of funny actually,” the United States delegate told the general assembly, as the French ambassador shook his head in disgust.
This led to several heated comments from the German delegate. “But seriously, is this your first time using the election program?,” he said. “How could you not tell it was a virus?”
“Well the ad for it looked so rich and flashy,” the American spluttered back. “And it said ‘click here to make America great again’. It looked really legit.”
With that, a large collective sigh echoed around the assembly, as the U.S delegate held his head in shame. “So what is the current state of the operating system?” The Bangladeshi representative asked.
“The virus has infected all programs, rendering most completely useless,” Dr. Masterson intervened. “Obviously the media being the worst affected program. At this point, the media’s primary function is to spread the virus to all other programs, saturating the entire OS,” she said.
The confirmed date for the official unplugging of the United States is August 9th. Although not strictly required, the UN is expected to wait approximately 5 minutes to allow America to “cool down” before switching it back on. If the operation fails, the U.N. admits it will be “powerless” from stopping the virus from infecting other systems, as America is no longer under warranty.
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