Newcastle United’s shrewd owner Mike Ashley has unveiled plans for a 27 foot statue of himself to replace the Jackie Milburn statue which is to move to the car park.
The 50,000 tonne tribute to the great leader of Newcastle, is set to be funded by the sales of stars Tim Krul and Moussa Sissoko. Ashley is also set to recoup some funds from renaming the Leazes End to Mike Ashley’s End.
The announcements were met with widespread acclaim from Newcastle Supporters Trust who praised Ashley’s customary shrewdness in negotiating the respective deals. “Well the Twin Towers and Cambodian killing fields are proving to be quite the tourist hotspot these days. So we’re hoping this similar act of utter contempt for mankind will bring tourism to the city of Newcastle.”
Worryingly for Newcastle Utd. fans there are more distressing reports emanating from St James Park. Sports DIrect Ltd. (Ashley’s “clothing” company) purchased the trademarks to Newcastle Rangers in the early hours of this morning. NewcastleRangers.com was also registered as domain name by a yet unknown registrant. As Ashley has recently increased his shares in Rangers PLC, all signs are pointing to Ashley rebranding Newcastle United to “Newcastle Rangers”.
Alan Pardew was unavailable for comment.