LIVERPOOL, UK—Wayne Rooney has issued a staunch defence of his latest drink-driving charge, calling on his critics to “try being in Liverpool sober” if they think it’s so easy.
At a press conference Monday morning, the former Manchester United star told the assembled media that spending time in the city of Liverpool isn’t all it’s cracked up to be once you sober up.
“Honestly you lot [the media] have no idea what it’s like,” Rooney declared.
“With a clear head there’s nowt to do here. It rains all the time and the shopping centre is fucking tiny. Literally all there is to do is drive down to the pub for a few pitchers.”
Despite England’s record goalscorer still living predominantly in Manchester, Rooney claims even spending 8-10 hours a day in Liverpool is enough to drive him to drink:
“At first it was great being back home after 13 years but mainly because I was getting pissed all the time. But without that I never really noticed how dead weird all the accents are here. I’ve no idea what people are bleeding harping on about half the time.” — Wayne Rooney
“Plus I dunno if you’ve noticed, but when you’re not smashed off your face Everton are actually quite a bit shitter than Man United. So there’s that too,” he added.
“Honestly if I’m gonna somehow survive the next 9 months here I dunno what I’ll have to do… Probably weed.”