LIVE: British Columbia Renamed Irish Columbia [As it happened]

BREAKING: British Columbia Renamed Irish Columbia [Live Updates]
BREAKING: British Columbia Renamed Irish Columbia [Live Updates]

9:02 a.m.

VANCOUVER, IC—The province of British Columbia is no more after the NDP government unanimously voted to change the province’s name to ‘Irish Columbia’.

The dramatic change will take immediate effect according to I.C. Premier John Horgan who unveiled the new Irish Colombian flag which sees the British flag above the sun replaced with the Irish flag’s tricolour of green, white and gold.

Following complaints from some that the old British Columbian name supported colonialism and “implicitly honours England’s racist colonizers” the province immediately moved to change the name before any further offense was caused.

“We’ve chosen the Irish as they are a historically oppressed people, who have contributed greatly to the rich history of this province, most recently in the Kitsilano area where the young Irish arrive in their millions each summer,” Horgan said.

When asked why the provincial government had only changed the ‘British’ part of the name and not also the ‘Columbian’ part, itself loosely derived from controversial explorer Christopher Columbus, Premier Horgan immediately broke into a sweat.

“Wait what? That’s where we get that from? Aw crap!” he replied, before launching into a series of explitatives at his staff.

“Well the Irish part is ok right?” he asked. “No one hates the irish, except maybe the Australians, but how many of them can there be here? Oh…..really?”

9:37 a.m.

BREAKING: Irish Columbia Renamed Irish Australia

VANCOUVER, IA—The short-lived province of ‘Irish Columbia’ has been renamed 35 minutes after coming into existence to ‘Irish Australia’ following an emergency meeting by the NDP government.

“The name Irish Columbia was obviously outdated and completely unrepresentative of the current climate in this province and the wider world so we have unanimously decided to rename the province Irish Australia,” Premier Hogan declared.

“The new name continues to celebrate our rich Irish heritage and now also Australia, which has nothing to do with Columbus or anything remotely controversial or racist. That type of crap might have flown once upon a time but that was over a half an hour ago.”

12:06 p.m.

BREAKING: Irish Australia Renamed Western Province Number 1

VANCOUVER, WPN1—A brief statement from the government of the province formerly known as British Columbia, Irish Columbia and Irish Australia has declared that the province has been renamed for the third time in 3 hours to ‘Western Province Number 1’.

“To save you all the time….” the statement began, “we Wikipediaed the White Australia policy, and while we were at it, the Magdalene Laundries in Ireland too. So let’s just say the province is now called ‘Western Province Number One’ and leave it at that, shall we?”

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