PROMISING to use “all means necessary” to defend Canada, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has declared a state of emergency as millions of American refugees seek immediate asylum in the Great White North.
The United States’ decision to appoint a former reality tv show host and failed businessman as President, prompted over 1 million Americans to line the U.S./Canadian border on Friday afternoon. By the evening Trudeau had officially closed Canada’s land borders with their southern neighbours.
At approximately noon, civil defence sirens echoed across all major Canadian towns and cities, the streets of which were totally deserted, as lines of helicopters carrying large chunks of snow and ice headed south.
“My fellow Canadians, the unthinkable has happened,” the PM announced via an emergency broadcast. “This is not a drill. Operation Igloo is in effect. I repeat, Operation Igloo is in effect.”
“To all Canadians currently stranded in the U.S., please contact your local embassy or Tim Hortons immediately and await further instructions,” he continued, indicating the entire Canadian military was at his disposal, including “both tanks”.
In closing, the Prime Minister expressed “sympathy” at the current plight of the majority of Americans but insisted “while many have displayed an admirable level of appreciation for Canadian values, they possess a limited level of appreciation for Canadian immigration laws”.
Undeterred, up to 65 million U.S. citizens are expected to attempt an illegal border crossing, with Hollywood expected to relocate to Vancouver.
Among the many Americans hoping to gain asylum in Canada were Barry and Michelle and their two daughters, who were interviewed at the border. “We left the capital as soon as we were able, but we couldn’t beat the rush,” they said, hinting they might “make a call” to a “friend with connections”.