MANCHESTER, UK – Just hours after winning the FA Cup, a visibly upset Juan Mata has been photographed packing his bags outside his Salford mansion. Several witnesses reported seeing the former Chelsea star openly weeping and cursing in Spanish, while filling his private helicopter with bags, furniture and a Valencia jersey.
“He looked like he’d been drinking so I asked him what the matter was,” a local resident said, who spotted Mata lying against his front door. “He just kept muttering ‘Jose’ and ‘bastardo’ and ‘Portugués idiota’ over and over again. I tried telling him his name was ‘Juan’ and that he was ‘Spanish’ but he just rolled his eyes and reached for his tequila.”
Mata’s wife has told close friends she’s “worried” for her husband following a mysterious phone call, late Sunday night. “I assumed he’d be in a great mood after scoring, but he seemed so despondent,” she confided. “Honestly, the last time Juan was this upset, he ended up dragging us to Manchester. God I hope he bought a return ticket.”
Another neighbour witnessed further unusual behaviour from the normally mild-mannered Spaniard:
“I first noticed Mata acting strange when I saw him burning an effigy in his front garden of some silver-haired latin man in a stylish suit,” he said. “I knew something had to be wrong as usually Juan only burns effigies of Louis Van Gaal, and occasionally Vicente del Bosque.”
In unrelated Red Devils news, a determined-looking Jose Mourinho arrived at Old Trafford this morning, telling reporters he would evaluate the squad before determining his preferred starting 11. “I have no preconceptions about this team,” he said. “Almost every player has a chance to prove themselves and the vast majority start with a clean slate.”
Mata’s “better half” Ander Herrera, appeared to be putting on a brave face as he carried his teammate’s luggage, before waving him off. As Herrera helped his friend onto his helicopter, Mata turned briefly, embracing his teammate, before whispering “I’ll come back for you”. With that he disappeared into the Manchester skyline, presumably “taking a long holiday” his new manager suggested.