VANCOUVER, BC—JESUS Christ, has amazingly hit out at the Catholic Church’s Good Friday celebrations claiming, “what’s so f*cking good about it?”
The Son of God was in a foul mood in the early hours of Friday morning, appearing from a ball of light outside a local church in Knock, Ireland. Witnesses claim Mr. Christ seemed very inebriated, and was overheard grumbling about “what a shit day” it was and how “other Saints have way better days”.
One staff member who approached Jesus, wishing him a “good Good Friday”, was quickly put in his place. “What’s so f*cking good about it, huh?” Jesus responded angrily. “Seriously man, I f*cking died today. Would you wish the families of 9/11 victims, a ‘Good September 11th’, would you?”
Mr. Christ, with an address previously in Nazareth, claims the annual celebration of his death is “total bullshit” as it is one of the few days where Catholics across the world must abstain from alcohol. Peering down an empty bottle of wine, desperately searching for the last drop, he smashed the bottle against a wall in frustration, muttering, “I bet St Paddy doesn’t have this problem.”
While Jesus acknowledged the patron Saint of Ireland’s immense popularity, he appeared angry at the worldwide attention St. Patrick receives. “Everyone f*cking loves him,” he said, smirking. “He’s the most popular Saint because Dad lets everyone drink on his day.” “How come the only two days of the year people can’t drink are both my anniversaries? It’s f*cking bullsh*t.”
There is some light at the end of the tunnel for Christ as he admitted his father has promised him a “better day” if he can convert a high number of non-believers. “Dad says that if I convert lots of people to Christianity this year, he’ll consider upgrading it to Great Friday,” Jesus said. “Maybe I’ll be able to get a f*cking drink then…” With that Jesus vanished, stumbling down an alleyway that he would later be seen urinating in.
As is tradition, this will be the last public sighting of Jesus until Monday. He was last seen outside a local take away where he was spotted rifling through leftover burger scraps, growling, “Meat… God, it feels like f*cking ages since I’ve had meat…”