CHELSEA captain, John Terry, has unveiled a new app called “Wagger”, based on the popular dating app Tinder. Terry, in partnership with Tinder, have announced that the app will only be available for professional footballers. Wagger will be free for women to join, while footballers will be offered 3-tier membership including the £1ook-a-week “Gold package”. Tinder CEO, Jamie Barratt, moved quickly to quash talk off the app being discriminatory; “Some people might say that we’re being unethical, for only allowing footballers, but rest assured we are being just as selective with the women who use this app. We also plan to offer the services to other sportsmen in the near future. One golfer in particular has declared an interest.”
In fact, women wanting to sign-up to the app must submit 10 full body photos of themselves, while “Instagram gym selfies are strongly encouraged.” JT himself, personally reviews each female applicant and often conducts interviews with potential WAGs. Terry says his “hands-on” role is key to ensuring his family’s financial future after football. “This has been a pet project of mine for a few years now and I’m determined to see it succeed. I’m only thinking of my wife and kids.”
Steven Gerrard backed his former England teammate’s new venture, and said it was good to see the “family man” back on his feet:
“I think it’s a great move for JT. We all slip-up every now and then. Some of us lose our wife and children. Some of us lose the Premier League title. Some of us lose the European Cup. Shit happens.” – Steven Gerrard
Terry speaking at the app’s launch, said he wanted to do some good and says Wagger actively discourages infidelity by offering an “Are you married? Yes or No” button on the sign-up page. He said, “I’ve had some bad press in the past but I want to put that all behind me, by helping others. We’re not reinventing the wheel here, but hopefully we can make it slightly easier for professional footballers to find women for casual sex. So far, I’ve found the work very rewarding.”
Terry seemed in a jovial mood at the press conference, as when asked whether footballers’ WAGs would be admitted to use the app, he quipped “I think that might be a bridge too far,” as his tongue tore through his cheek.
Barratt, keen to get ahead of the inevitable backlash from women’s activist groups, said their company was simply filling a gap in the market. “It’s simple supply and demand,” said the Tinder boss, “and we have a huge demand for this app, mainly from JT himself.” When asked why the app was not available for female footballers looking for men, Terry said,
“listen, we’d love to, but the whole ‘Hope Solo kicking the shit out of her husband’ thing has really put men off of women footballers. Also they honestly they couldn’t afford it, but we welcome them to apply under the ‘Former Fashion Models’ category, provided they meet the specifications.” – John Terry
Wagger outlined the 3 packages available to professional footballers:
Suitable for: Lower level Premier League player. (e.g. Jonathan Walters)
Women: Former fashion models, football club secretaries, local hairdressers, etc.
This package only shows girls within 50km of a club’s stadium. “Away day blues” add-on can be purchased additionally, which allows the user to see profiles within 10km of teams hotel for away trips.
Suitable for: Leading player for a mid-lower level Premier League side/ Average player at a leading club. (e.g. Saido Berahino)
Women: Glamour models, reality tv “stars”, soap actresses, etc.
Profiles can be seen on a national level with some of the most beautiful women in the country just a swipe left away. Reality tv and even some tv presenters available but come with an over inflated ego and sense of entitlement.
Suitable for: One of the elite (richest) players in world football. (e.g. Zlatan)
Women: International models, rich heiresses, Mexican weather girls, etc.
The premium package offers a feast of international models, each one personally “screened” by Mr. Terry himself. Discretion is paramount with this package, as is the ability to date multiple partners at once. For those needing a PR boost the “International Celebrity” add-on is available for a small fee. Foreign language lessons may be required. The “Golden Package” is also available to accommodate a taste for the mature woman (75+).