ANFIELD (By Dan Sweryt)—Liverpool have agreed to sign Arsenal’s most mediocre programme seller for what is thought to be a club record fee.
The seller, Jonjo Sterling, said, “Well, this was unexpected to say the least.
“Despite literally trying my most mediocre for the last four years, I’ve somehow managed to convinced a top team that I’m world-class in the programme seller department and that I have yet to show my full potential.
“I’ve missed long periods of home games by getting injured. A sprained wrist meant I couldn’t give change for four months and then, when I was fit again, Alabama Noonah had taken my place by the hotdog stand and was really in good form.
“Then, when she had the weekend off to visit her family, I got my place back. But I found it difficult. I was always getting paper cuts when taking them out of the boxes, I kept dropping the cash and folding over the back page of the programme.
“I have unexpectedly been selected to sell England programmes for the last few years. Though, to be fair, I’m usually not asked to sell any until the last ten minutes of the game. At that point, I usually don’t sell any, though there was that one game where I sold two in the last minute, and that pushed our overall sales figures… well, a little bit higher.
“Still, I’m hoping to repay the faith Liverpool are prepared to show in me by learning how to give £6 back after being given a tenner.”
Liverpool are now in discussions with Manchester City about signing their worst cleaner for £200m.