MADAME Tussauds have announced plans to open a new wax museum in Manchester, inspired by the Man Utd defender, Phil Jones. Museum curator, Francis Forde, explained that inspiration for the museum came from the Chamber of Horrors in London and the Holocaust. While his team were researching potential waxworks for the exhibit, they came across the Curious Case of Phil Jones’ face, and decided that nothing was more frightening:
“While gathering some of the most horrific images known to man, we repeatedly came across Phil Jones. My assistant, Janael noticed that no two images of him looked anything alike. In fact we produced over 7000 different Phil Jones’ templates faces. Only 400 were deemed fit for public viewing.” – Frankie Forde
During the trials, some of the wax sculptures of the vertically challenged defender, were so disturbing that viewers suffered severe psychotic episodes upon leaving the museum. In unrelated news, Madame Tussauds have announced that the Phil Jones Lunatic Asylum will be established later this year, opposite the museum. In fact the museum is recommending patrons undergo a complete psychological evaluation before entering the wax museum:
“Viewing the Phil Jones Wax Museum may cause high blood pressure, loss of appetite, nausea, diarrhea, memory loss, sudden paralysis, temporary blindness, and/or erectile dysfunction. Please consult your doctor before visiting the Phil Jones Wax Museum of Horror.”
Plans to have the United defender appear at the museum in disguise as a statue were scrapped after 17 people died of heart failure during the testing. In fact, as of July 2015, more people have died viewing Phil Jones face, than died during 9/11.
Reports suggesting Ed Woodward has been turned to stone from viewing Jones, due to United’s lack of transfer activity, are so far unconfirmed.
Jones says the collaboration with Madame Tussauds is a “fantastic opportunity” for him: “I can’t imagine I’ll be remembered for my footballing ability, so this is a great opportunity to be immortalised, for a short time. Knowing that the people of Manchester will be staring at my face, brings me great comfort. My waxwork will also get the chance to do something I never could; stand still.”
Manchester United have denied that an 80 sq. ft. billboard of Jones’ face directly opposite the Etihad stadium was designed to unsettle their “noisy neighbours“, saying the the decision was “probably a coincidence”.