VANCOUVER, BC—Announcing his intention to not seek re-election for a 4th term in front of family, friends, colleagues and supporters, Mayor Gregor Robertson today declared “mission accomplished” having solved all of Vancouver’s problems ahead of schedule.
In particular, Robertson admitted to feeling an “immense swell of pride” at having fulfilled his pre-campaign promises to end housing affordability and increase homelessness.
Looking back over his 10 years as Vancouver’s highest ranking official, Robertson spoke passionately and defiantly about his work as mayor and the legacy he will leave to the city of Vancouver.
“When I first stood here 10 years ago I vowed to increase homelessness and end housing affordability once and for all, or something to that effect.”
Pointing to a “booming” homeless population, Robertson said, “homelessness has doubled since I was elected, honestly no other Canadian city can even keep up with the numbers we’re getting.”
“Also, Vancouver is now world famous for its housing affordability and we should all be immensely proud of that, particularly me.”
“People said it couldn’t be done but now this city is almost unrecognizable since I took over,” he added, as his followers cheered exuberantly.
The outgoing-mayor’s final words were reserved for a previously marginalized group who have since thrived under his administration.
“And finally to our city’s cyclists… When I first started, Downtown Vancouver only had a few bike lanes… Now, we only have a few roads!” he declared triumphantly, prompting his supporters to raise their bicycle helmets into the air.
“The next mayor has a tough act to follow!” observers noted.