TURIN, ITALY—A football player known predominantly for his trademarked goal celebration, is currently debating whether or not he would make a good fit for Manchester United.
Given that he is Argentinian and has been living in Italy for the past 7 years, the player has no qualms about settling in off the field but is slightly concerned about struggling on the pitch.
“Well I’m told the culture in Manchester is quite similar to Turin, so that’s all good,” the player told BSF in an exclusive interview. “It’s just that… I’m the type of player who likes to do a special celebration with my fingers whenever I score a goal. And realistically what are the chances that the people at Manchester United will understand this? They will just think I look silly like everyone else.”
The player admitted that his celebration was a huge part of his identity at his current club and had made him who he was.
“Once upon a time, the Juve fans lived to see me do my finger celebration but now they long for another, another who does a weird topless flexing pose at the end. Now no one wants to see my celebration… No one cares,” he whispered, as a single tear trickled down his face.
Still unsure of a final decision, the player agreed to travel to Manchester for a tour of Old Trafford and to meet some of the players.
“Wait, what?! You also like to arrange your fingers over your face so that it kind of looks like some type of weird mask whenever you score a goal? he said upon meeting Jesse Lingard while slapping the side of his face. “You’re freaking kidding me??? Me too!!! What are the chances?!”
By the time of this press release, the player in question was said to be feeling “much better” about the move, especially after bumping into a former teammate. “Holy fuck! Paul Pogba? No waaaay! You’re the fucking godfather of this type of shit!”
Ultimately the player is said to have agreed to the transfer, reasoning, “I’m an Argentinian playmaker who’s reluctantly signing for Manchester United on a huge contract, what could possibly go wrong?”