A 27-year-old man is in critical condition in a London hospital this morning, after an altercation with a French man believed to be Thierry Henry. The World Cup Playoff “winner” was said to have been socialising with some of his Sky Sports colleagues when a fan approached him looking for a photo. Speaking to Sky, from his toilet, Jamie Redknapp said the “banter” quickly got out of control:
“First off, there is one rule at Sky Sports; ‘Never mention the ‘Hand of Frog’ incident to Thierry’. I had noticed that he was on edge all evening so when I saw an Irish pub crawl enter the bar, I thought ‘Alright, this could get a bit tasty’. The Paddies were givin’ it large but I still think Thierry went a little too far.” – Jamie Redknapp on Thierry Henry stabbing an Irishman 17 times.
Eyewitnesses say they saw the man trying to get a selfie with Mr. Henry’s infamous left hand. The two men then had a “heated” conversation before the Arsenal legend stabbed him repeatedly. One witness said Henry sat with the man until the ambulance arrived, shaking his head in disbelief and whispering to him “I’m very sorry. This is a very difficult moment for all of us. This hurts me as much as it does you.”
In a spooky foreshadowing, Henry, speaking to L’Equipe in March, said: “If one more Irish person speaks with me about the ‘handball’ I will stab them.”
Taoiseach Enda Kenny called for patience amid increasing death threats aimed towards Henry on Facebook. “We must look at all the facts before we reach the natural conclusion that this is in fact an act of war,” he said.
Scotland Yard immediately passed the investigation off to their Irish counterparts saying: ” ‘Frog on Paddy’ crime is something that Scotland Yard doesn’t concern itself with. Eventually they’ll all wipe each other out and we can start afresh, with a clean race. Hail our Queen.”
Sky Sports refused to confirm whether Henry’s future was in doubt, following the stabbing. “We’ve put up with worse from Keys and Gray,” said a spokesman. “If we sacked pundits every time they stabbed an Irishman, we’d be working almost exclusively with Niall Quinn.”
A Garda spokesman said they expect the man to make a full recovery but are less optimistic about Henry. “He won’t last a day in prison,” he said. They also confirmed that Henry has returned to the top of the Garda Siochana Most Wanted list after a 6 month absence.
Finally, FAI head John Delaney has generously offered to cover the stabbed man’s medical expenses saying: “Just send the bill to FIFA, they’ll cover it.”